Elese Coit

i'm in New York.  It's another Supercoach Academy weekend, I'm looking forward to being with the students again, and I am  greeted by beautiful sunshine and a warm spring day.  I have every reason to feel good.

As I walked around just enjoying being here, I suddenly became aware of what was going on in my head. My mind was bopping around like little bunny foo-foo scooping up everything it saw and judging, evaluating and labeling.  People got tagged anything from "weirdo" to "oh, they must be very sad..."

As I listen to my internal narration I realize ...  Simon Cowell lives in my head.  And the deeper truth is, in fact, I'm no better, kinder or more loving to people than he is. We are the same.   We are all Simon in little and big ways.  We take what we see, we decide what it means.  And we are pretty happy living like this.

As I caught myself, I marveled at this automatic impulse to interpret everything.  How my mind appears to just wander around and automatically use my eyes as the interpreters of who someone is.  Biologically speaking I suppose some impulse has taken over and it's looking for lions everywhere.  And although that might be understandable as a reason why this impulse is there - it is ridiculous. NY is a strange place and I do need to pay attention but when there is no imminent danger to me, my mind just slips into the Cowell function:  the judge.  And in this case, even on the basis of no information whatsoever - to decide who people are.

This behavior is no different when it comes love.  It wreaks intimacy, it makes assumptions about what people want and what they should do and totally kills our ability to be loved for who we are.  And even if people do love us, we can hardly let it in.  We don't know Love.  We don't know Real Love, that is, the kind without judgement or conditions, and although we are all trying to get that love from everyone all the time - we have almost no experience of offering it to others. 

So just think...everyone else is just like us.  They too have a mini-Simon Cowell, or the very least an undisciplined bunny foo-foo pulling the internal levers.  So let me get this straight: on the basis of basically zero experience of giving love in a pure form,  we want others so somehow know how to 'love us just as we are'?

I can hardly spend a few hours on the streets of NY without judging every moving creature. 

No wonder we all need love so badly.  And with so little practice at giving love, isn't it understandable why we can't find it anywhere we look?

For more on the key to unlocking real love in your life listen to my show with Greg Baer  or search by topic on the right. 

Roman Krznaric is the first person I've heard talking about the radicalism of empathy. You are right to think of empathy as caring and compassion, of course, but  Roman expands that definition in only 60 seconds, asking us to widen our perspectives on the world at large and other people by becoming radical empathists journeying not only to other countries and cultures but into the lives of others with whom we share this turf.

He says, "Empathising is an avant-garde form of travel in which you step into the shoes of another person and see the world from their perspective.  It is the ultimate adventure holiday – far more challenging than a bungee jump off Victoria Falls or trekking solo across the Gobi desert."

More on Roman on his blog Outrospection.org.  See also, Alain de Botton and The School of Life

After talking to Bryan Douglas, author of "Doing Good Works" on Friday's show,
I asked if I could share some of his terrific ideas about changing the world in one minute.  I've selected a few personal favorites alongside 'compliment someone's tattoo or piercing' so, if you got a minute here's ways to invest in world change.

"A Few Things You Can Do to Change Our World

Please keep in mind that these suggestions are not intended
as legal, financial, medical, or spiritual advice. This list is not so much to
be read as to be consulted ... a reference guide when you are looking
for new ideas.

•Learn a new joke and tell it to someone. You know the
saying about “the healing power of laughter.” That saying
appears to have some truth to it.

• Give a sincere compliment to a friend, a relative, a stranger,
an employee, a child, a senior citizen, or yourself. Compli-
ments are free, but they do wonders for the spirit.

• Personally thank a soldier, teacher, nurse, artist, musician,
crossing guard, police officer, fire fighter, EMT, or any
other deserving person.

• Do something to leave every place you visit a little bit
better than the way you found it.

• Pick up a piece of trash and throw it away. If everyone
did this once per day, litter would no longer be much of
a problem.

• Turn off the water when you brush your teeth. This saves
more water than you may think.

• Extinguish and properly dispose of your cigarette butts
if you smoke. Cigarette butts are litter, just like other
trash.

• When you choose to do something, make a decision to
do it to the best of your ability. It only takes one moment
to make a decision.

• Tell someone special how you feel about them. This is
more powerful than you may think.

• Hold the door for someone. Chivalry is not dead—it’s
just not doing too well these days. We can bring it back
from the brink. Showing basic manners can restore hope
in humanity for those who observe.
.
• Smile and greet a stranger

* Leave an encouraging note for someone in your house
or workplace.

• Let someone in front of you in traffic. This type of kind-
ness helps to lessen “road rage.”

• Let a pedestrian cross. Maybe even two.

• Make sure that someone who lets you into traffic or
lets you cross the street sees you wave and express
thanks. This will encourage him or her to keep up the
good work."
printed with permission from Doing Good Works! by Bryan Douglas

There are many more things I'm sure you can think of,  plus more wonderful lists of things in Bryan's book - some that take as many as 10 whole minutes. 

Of the 1-minute suggestions, these are my personal favorites:

• Jot down your own good deeds throughout the day. It is
encouraging to see just how many little positive changes
you can pack into a day.

• Apologize without expecting forgiveness.

• Forgive without expecting an apology.

love,

Elese

Click here for my show with Bryan

I'm sure there's an answer to this question, but when did all this madness begin? Not the madness of the economy, or the madness of the markets ... but the madness of not thinking for ourselves anymore? The madness of thinking that what we think has no impact.

I've blogged on a similar topic before, about the things that come out of our mouths when they are left unattended.  Shocking.  The automatic unkindnesses, the unthinking gossip - as if we just tossed out one more teeny tiny toxic and non-biodegradable plastic bottle onto a very, very large ocean of humanity. Like it doesn't matter because it's just the one.  After all, how will the girl walking by EVER know you made fun of her hair, or compared her ass unfavorably....

I am not sure we can dissassociate what we are saying from the impact it has on the speaker.  Yes, the words leave the lips, but the feelings linger and the only one experiencing the effects is us.  Ever feel bad after cutting someone down or saying the mean thing just to be clever?

And that is just what we are willing to say other people!  Our inner talk is far less sensored and just as, if not more, damaging.  Our self- talk, or mirror talk... "I'm so fat" "I'm idiot" "I'm a pig" etc., etc., 

We are  hard on ourselves. We are hard on other people.  No one ever gets a break.  No wonder we need motivational speakers to  G-ourselves up with  'you can do it!' rhetoric.   It is like some insane cartoon routine, I smack you on the head with the hammer and then take back the hammer so I can smack myself or make sure I'm standing in the way when you smack you.

There's no reason why we can't take a moment to question the things we say and the things we think before we release them like toxic gases.  After all, we all know that poisoning the planet is the same thing as poisoning ourselves. 

It doesn't seem that far of a stretch that maybe, just maybe, it's one emotional ecosystem too? 

With all of us connected, what makes us think we'll escape the long terms effects of our own words after we are gone?   The same little voice that tells us it doesn't matter if you toss that gum wrapper on the ground?

If you feel affected by this post, give someone the gift of seeing that you and they are the same and treat 'yourself' to some loving kindness. Do it for me.