"Before enlightenment I was depressed, after enlightenment I continue to be depressed" -- Anthony de Mello One of my clients once asked me, "If I'm so spiritually evolved, why am I having a bad day?" Don't we all have this question in various forms? "I'm a coach, why am I having difficulty with this issue?" "I'm a therapist, why are my own relationships in trouble?" "I've been doing self-development for years, why am I still getting angry?" Or perhaps you've had the question tossed at you... "If you teach this to people, why don't you go practice it yourself!" We tend to see these questions as pointing toward some issue within us; something we need to clean up or some way in which we are inauthentic or out of integrity. Not so. ... unless the purpose of self-development (or spiritual growth) is to never have a bad day again. It's not that I think becoming issue-free is unrealistic or impossible. Perhaps it is. But what interests me more is this: Do we study, have our spiritual practices, or hire someone to help us 'get better' in order to never ever feel bad again? If we make our self-improvement all about becoming a perfect human being with a perfect life, we are in for trouble. There is no greater suffering than striving to be a flawless human. It is an endless moving runway with a carrot dangling -- always -- just out of reach. You make improvements in one area and soon you are noticing all the ways that you are lacking in another and then you are right back on the treadmill. It's very easy when we read spiritual masters, reflect, meditate, study or hire someone to work with us, to fall into the trap of believing that a sign of enlightenment (or progress) is that we will stop having strong negative emotions. Just look at how shocked we are when a one of our icons admits to feeling depression, gets mad at a being stuck in traffic, gets a divorce or declares bankruptcy! No matter how much 'work' you do on yourself, you cannot get rid of your emotions -- because you cannot get rid of the fact that you are a thinking being. The two go together, hand in glove. We always feel whatever we think. Thoughts themselves are a kaleidoscope of infinite colors and shapes, many of which are not all that pretty. We define the bad, uncomfortable, unworthy and wrong ones and then set about trying to extract them as if they were cavities. How would you do that, really? And more importantly, why would you want to? You are by definition as 'sentient being'. 'Bad thinking' isn't something to rip out and replace with positivity. Maybe life would be better if we could do this; but have you ever actually succeeded? Are you sure that's purpose of personal growth? For me it proved stressful, and ultimately unsuccessful! A turning point for me was when I noticed that I actually do not take EVERY thought seriously. I've had thoughts of punching someone, and not followed through. I realized I am actually already naturally and effortlessly ignoring all kinds of thoughts. You probably do too, within the last hour perhaps. You know how they say "the thought crossed my mind"? It's true. Thoughts do cross your mind. AND if you notice, you might also find that, you too have plenty of experience in not taking them seriously. Thoughts themselves cannot compel action from us. Thoughts are not us. So the types of thoughts you have do not define the kind of person you are. Seeing this, we can relax. We can understand that thinking is not problematic. It just happens. It's not who we are, but it happens in us. I have given up on trying to change and get rid of certain thoughts. My life is the better for it. Last week I was teaching at our CSC Retreat by the Sea and for the 9 hours driving up and back to Santa Cruz from San Diego, I was listening to Anthony de Mello's Wake Up To Life lectures (which I highly recommend!). He asserts, "Do you know it's possible to be anxious, yet not troubled? Do you realize that you can be happy in your anxiety and in your depression? The only reason you don't is because you don't understand what happiness is. You think happiness is 'thrills'. It's not..." Most of us are trying to be happy without knowing and without inquiring into what happiness is. When we define it as 'never having a bad day' or 'never being upset' no wonder we are never happy! I am wondering if perhaps the purpose of life is not to get happiness or even to be happy, but to understand what happiness really is. Only then, does happiness have a chance to unfold within us and be recognized. Add Comment There is something about saying "Go For Your Dream" that just bugs. I think it's my project experience clashing with my woo-woo side. Or maybe it's just there's so much about 'just going for it' that just doesn't work. My dilemma? Dreams are really important things, important enough to do and not just talk about. At the same time, a dream without any action is just a nice fantasy escape - a vacation in your mind. To take them from thought to animated life form you have to start the engine, act, move and sometimes that involves failing. Ah. That's risky. So dreams are delicate balances of visioning and doing. Too much doing and it's exhausting and frustrating, too much dreaming and it disappointing and saddening, which is why I imagine most dreams end up untested, much less unfulfilled. What makes dreams both important and amazing is not just 'getting them' but being involved in their gestation, having fun, watching something get born. And who you become in the process of their birth. Now that is beautiful. Something comes to life that never existed before except in your mind. That is truly awesome. OK, so maybe it's not so 'awesome' to you if it's an IP network installation. But it would be if it were something that mattered to you. It would be if it were something you could see for yourself in your mind and you liked the look of (and that IP network matters to someone too...) I've been involved in the "30-days to Create the Impossible" program with Michael Neill in the month of January, coaching those in the program, and I'm so in the center of this topic, I can't tell you how moving it is to watch dreams be born (more about the program on http://geniuscatalyst.com, though, it's closed now). We are just finishing the second program and again, it's incredible the beauty, the relief, the joy of finally experiencing what's actually possible to create. To witness dreams grow their wings in front of your eyes. Of course that's nothing compared to what the person feels as it's happening. They get reborn too. What I keep thinking about as this particular program comes to a close, is that for some, 30 days won't be quite enough to complete a big project. What to do when you have "that thing you can see in you mind" but it's a big goal and requires a bit of sticking power? In longer term projects, how do you keep up the commitment? I was in Project Management for 10 years, so I have some notions about this. What surprised me, when I left the corporate world, was to discover that just because it's a pet project and life dream, doesn't mean people achieve it! They drop their dreams into the toilet all the time. This sounds crazy, but it's not impossible to imagine when you think what little we really know about making our dreams come true. Our preferred methods are:
Apart from these, the only other recipe out there seems to be EFFORT. But it's rubbish to think you can "g-up" every day and expect to keep doing that over months and months. There are days when you're in a crappy mood. Then it feels like the wind has gone flat. If you've ever given up on something you wanted, you'll know what I mean. And you will perhaps have been looking for the answer too. But the only way I know to take a pipe dream and create a living thing is inspired action. To enjoy the genesis. How do you get that? You blend a bit of dream making and a bit of project management, but you are careful with the doses. Like I said, too much dream and it's star gazing... too much action and it's burn-out city. So you do both and mix it up. That is why Michael's 30-days to Create The Impossible is so brilliant and works so well. (Keep an eye out for when he runs it next time and get on board). Until then, I'd use his book, "You Can Have What You Want" as a great guide to sustained release success. In my next post I'll continue with this and talk about ways to keep going in big projects. If you have a big project and you want to chat about it, feel free to contact me. Meanwhile, if you want to start up something and join me for a year in my ProjectDream group, I do have some spaces. Here's more info. The Qualities That Will Save Your Life 01/15/2010
When I got Lynne Klippel's book, Overcomers Inc., in the post, I have to say my initial reaction was I liked the book, hated the word. Overcomers. I don't want to be an overcomer. I want to sail effortlessly through life and have everything be easy. Overcoming is such a dull, pedestrian task. Maybe, "Go Climb That Mountain!" just make you tingle with inspiration, but it makes me want to climb back into bed. I read the book and the true life stories in it, and although I still don't like to think of myself as an overcomer, I have to admit that I am. We all are. If you got through asking someone on a first date, or wearing really high heels for the first time, you are one too. And that's not a dull thing at all. In fact, there are some pretty hefty qualities that we need to be able to call on when the going gets tough. Here's what I think those are: Taking responsibility Surrendering Trust Willingness In every real life experience in that book, as well as in my own life and the lives of people I coach, these are the core of creating a new life - whether you are creating on the rubble of an old life, or you are just ready to move to the next square on the board. Taking Responsibility OK, swallow hard now, this is the painful part. Yes. We all have to take on the fact that we live in our bodies, and that what we chose is what makes our life a heaven or a hell-hole. Until we do, even if it's just saying, "I'm really the only one who can get me out of this mess", no change can begin. As Debbie Ford used to say in our training, over and over again, "No one is coming to save you." Ouch. Surrender This is a bit sucky too. When you are very used to being the project manager of the universe, or at the very least queen in your own teacup, surrendering to the idea that you just don't know how to fix it is, well, let's just say, not fun. Surrendering doesn't mean giving up, it just means giving way. You have to get your own ideas out of the way in order for new ones to come in. In my life, this often mean surrendering some idea of who I am, in order to get a glimpse of a bigger me. Trust We place our trust in many things, including the universe, our pets, our friends, and our lovers. Maybe you trust that things will 'all work out for good' or some other spiritual principle. Whatever you chose to trust is up to you, the one thing I know you can trust, always? Your own inner guidance. When that channel is clear it is never leading you astray. It might take you in a direction you don't like, but that's another matter! Willingness Oh, you have to be willing to change, to move, to be different, to let go of what you thought would be. Willingness is the oil that greases all the wheels. Willingness to try the new, to step when you can't see forward very far, and willingness to fail - help you take it all less personally. And that's a good thing. For more on this topic listen to the radio show from January 15th with Lynne Klippel The Old, The New, and The Unknown 01/04/2010
 This year I did something I’ve never done before. I spent New Year on my own. Alone. No parties, no champagne, no midnight kiss. Crazy, I know. And amazing. I looked at the year ahead and I thought: "Do I want a year that looks like a hard walk uphill, or a nice path to somewhere I actually want to go? What could I do to make my goals fun and my path nicer to walk whether I got to the 'goals' or not? I had this idea to take 4 days in personal retreat, on my own, in Baja, to just think it through. And on Wednesday, off I drove... What would I do when I got there? There were a few things I knew I wanted to do. One was, I had the idea I could just make the year a bit easier and more 'successful' for me with some conscious planning. ('Conscious' not 'strenuous'). I wanted to really close out the last year and somehow milk the lessons from it, in a real way. I wanted to launch the New Year with a feeling of a clean slate, with some direction and focus. I wanted to spend some time giving thanks and acknowledging those who’ve helped me. And then there were the things I just wanted to leave behind in 2009 and simply say goodbye and good riddance to. But the real reason I went on my self-imposed personal retreat is that I just had this very strong feeling. Something inside that I couldn’t ignore just said ‘do this’. Now, that to me is amazing: not the experience of knowing something, but the fact I actually listened to it. I talk a lot about listening to inner guidance, but if I’m honest I can look back on my life and see many, many times I have not. In fact, there have been so many moments when I knew not to say yes to that second date with someone, when I realized that what was about to come out of my mouth was going to get me in big trouble, or when I withheld support from someone or judged a passerby and knew I could be less cruel. I realize, much to my horror that I know what is right for me and what is not – but that I also have an ‘override’ button. In fact, I am much more practiced at overriding my gut direction than I am at following it. So I am particularly grateful to be able to say that 2009 was a year of paying attention to my inner compass, and learning to follow the pointy arrow. As for my retreat, that was also a success. I reviewed the old and said farewell. I welcomed the new and created space for it. I came to my desk this morning with an invigorated sense of possibility and some new commitments. I don’t have the year mapped out, and there are no ‘shoulds’ or ‘to do’ lists. But I have created a map for 2010 that will be fun to explore. It won’t be news to anyone to know that if I intend to explore new territory, I’ll need not just my new map, but also a few new tools. For me, that means some new habits (creating more, writing more) and some renewed commitments (making the radio show more meaningful and more helpful in serving people). It involves planned giving for the first time. This is probably where the whole exercise of going on a retreat has been most useful, because I was able to spend 4 days not only thinking “What would I like to create next year?” but also to look at “…and how would that look; what would I need to change if I were to do that?” It was an exercise in imagination that I would not have engaged in quite the same way if I’d stayed home. Four days alone over New Year proved to be one of the best things I’ve ever done and there were a couple additional keys to this being so fruitful for me. Here’s what I took with me:
Not invited were: email inbox, Facebook, Twitter. My iPhone was for Kindle only (Is now a good time to apologize for being AWOL all last week?) End result: Wow.  One of my sunsets Free Audios - Courtesy of Club Fearless 11/01/2009
Club Fearless is a great place to find resources that will help you pack your bags and move out of that down in the dumps-victim mentality once and for all! Here are some free audios from Steve Chandler, founder of the Club. To learn more about Club Fearless go to www.clubfearless.net. You can use my friend's discount (type in 'Elese' as the code) and try out the club for free for 30 days. And by the way, I don't get paid for this, I just think it's really, really good. | Well Within
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