Elese Coit

 Wanting is a huge black hole of never-enough that never is filled up because it always wants, by definition, more.

Wanting is excessive by nature and never complete.  It underpins our constant state of unhappiness, all our striving, our personal masks and our poor choices.

There's nothing wrong with wanting what we want. We all have permission to have what we want too.  But I see so much of our wanting leading to greater unhappiness that I find myself exploring the difference between 'wanting' and 'desire'. 

I'm not talking about desire as in our sexual appetite, but rather that personal heart-GPS device, an internal compass, an inkling, a feeling of ‘let’s go over there.’   It’s the walking across the street to smell a flower.  It’s the signing up for a children’s literature writing class when you don’t know why.  What I notice is that desire  takes me to places where I am often free of wanting anything.  Desire doesn’t make me feel better - it always just feels good.

Another thing I notice is I do not have to deserve anything when it comes to my desire.  I just follow it or I don’t.  Wanting is the path of those who believe in worthiness.  My wish for all humanity is that everyone get far, far, far, more than they 'deserve'.  We don't deserve, but we do express.  

Desire gives expression a destination.

Being in NY for Supercoach Academy every month is giving me lots of opportunities to eat out, walk, people watch and shop.

And shop.

Shopping is an old pasttime of mine.  No, let's be completely honest - shopping was a big addiction and a large part of my life.

Just like anything of this nature, alcohol, sex or any other 'pasttime' that hangs around, it's all about looking for things to feel better.  We think the things create the good feelings, so it's natural to go seeking stuff that 'makes us feel good'.

But no matter what the compulsion, many of us have started to notice that it doesn't actually work for the purpose intended.  At least not in the long term.  It just moves the pain around for a while.

If you consider the way we learn to think about the world (pleasure comes from having and getting things, safety comes from protecting ourselves against horrible things*)  It's very understandable.  And frankly, for some of us it will take reaching the very end of the rope of endless seeking, before we even start to consider that viable alternatives might exist.

I do think we have a longing for something in life, but I don't think that is the same thing as nagging insatiable desire.   It is a tragedy to confuse  the two.  Once you come to believe that happiness can only lie in satisficing desires, you are doomed to a life that is driven by acquiring and then the real tragedy emerges: it is not so much that we can't ultimately get what we seek,  but the looking back on life and realizing you've wasted it seeking something you didn't need.

I don't think a closet full of clothes would make up for that.  Somehow.

* The idea of Getting and Protecting Behaviors was, as far as I know, developed by Greg Baer.  You can hear him talk about Relationships and Truth Telling  on this show from March 20th, 2010.