 Pair #95 Life is hard and then you get your a*s handed to you Ever thought... "It's been years now, but I just can't forgive so and so." "Every time I hear his voice, I just want to slump on the floor and cry." "I can't stop thinking about how much they hurt me and it makes me so mad." "I've just been told they are not sure if it's treatable." No one disputes that you have good reasons to feel bad when you've just been told you have a disease or that your job is gone. And I'm not saying you should feel great and wonderful on the heels of some difficult life moment. Yet I am interested in the process by which we explain our feelings about them. Because where we see the cause of our feelings has everything to do with our recovery. Although anger, grief, self-admonition, regret and concern are 'normal responses' we are often looking to resolve these emotions in the completely the wrong place. For years I remember thinking that if my father apologized to me for a particular childhood event, then finally I could feel better, put the grievance behind me and get on with life. Because of this kind of thinking, I wallowed in my own bad feelings for years later without any resolution, understanding or forward movement. Despite therapy, counseling and body work. I knew I was stuck in the past. I think we've all experienced this -- and the helplessness that goes with it. It seems like all the pain is coming from outside of us. It certainly seemed that way to me! So let's consider for a moment how it is any outside experiences get 'inside' of us. How did my father, who lived far away, actually make me miserable over the years, with an event that was long over and done with? How is it, for example that cancer actually creates emotional disturbance? How is that someone else uses their power to create sadness in you? How does that process, that alledged transference actually work? If you examine closely you will see that it doesn't. All of my pain was old history carried through time -- by me. The same is true of everything we feel pain about, trivial or serious. Consider this as an example. Let's take a friend of mine who knows someone at work who is very 'negative.' My friend will tell you that this person has such bad energy they can get into his space (or anyone else's) and ruin his day. Know anyone right now who has that power in your world? My friend told me, "There are just some people who have bad energy, and when they are around they are going to affect you. That's just not something you can change." I considered that for a moment. How does that work? I thought... I asked him, "Is there ever a time when that person doesn't affect you that way?" "Well, sometimes. When I'm in a good mood after the weekend. I just go 'Whatever, dude!'" "And are there some people who are friends with him and don't seem to think he has this 'bad energy?'" "Well, yeah, actually. Which is strange" "It is strange isn't it? How is that possible do you think?" I wondered with him. "If he is the cause of the 'bad vibe', you'd think he'd always be the cause? Not only for you but for everyone. Wouldn't everyone agree on who he is? So where is the difference -- his behavior or your attitude?" Someone I know discovered this for herself recently and described it as, "All I have to do is hear her shoes coming down the hall!" As if the shoes created the feelings. What we know about life, but often forget, is that no person or thing really has the power to make us feel anything at all. We are sovereign in our feelings. What we do is look around and ATTRIBUTE our feelings. But that doesn't give the shoes power. Looking outside for the causes of our inside feelings is just a mis-attribution of cause. Feelings don't arise out of nowhere. They are not 'provoked' out of us by job losses or diagnosis. They arise from the thoughts, judgements and stories we create about life around us and about what things mean. So it is actually very true to say that things are not always what they seem - because we are not really seeing. We are only 'perceiving' via our thoughts. Like the projector shows whatever film is on. You feel what's happening in you. Not what is out there. And that is good news on many fronts. It means that you have the ability to have occur to you new ways of seeing things. You have the capacity that your heart may open suddenly without notice. The capacity to feel good is lying there within you and can pop to the surface anytime like a bobbing cork in the water. There is no limit and no barrier on your capacity for joy, love, and wisdom. Because you never learned those things, they just came with your human firmware installation. And because of that, you really can relax. So whenever a good feeling comes up naturally for you, you might like to notice that. When I began to relax and see that all my past was gone, that my feelings were coming from my own thoughts, my father and I became the great friends that I always hoped we would be. What I've noticed is that I have a natural tendency toward upwards. Toward love. Toward reconciliation. It is beautiful that we actually tend naturally toward good feeling. We can miss that wonderful fact when we are pointing the finger away from ourselves. © 2011 Elese Coit If you wish to reprint, feel free, please link back here and if it's of use, include: "Elese Coit is a leader in transformative personal change and Hosts the Radio Show A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything. To see the world differently, reach for one of her '101 New Pairs of Glasses' on http://elesecoit.com" Add Comment Someday My Prince Will Come. Not. 04/27/2010
 Pair #20 Being Cindarella blows A message to those waiting for prince charming… Give it up. Not that there isn't someone out there for you. Not that you don't have a soulmate. Not that you will always be single because you live in a town with more penguins than eligible men, or you are too old, too fat or anything else. The terrible truth is that the person that will save you is not coming because no one in the whole wide world can intervene between you and yourself. Are you talking yourself down in the mirror every day, but then expecting someone to come and find you gorgeous? Are you repeating to yourself how unhappy you feel about your life or your singledom, and then expecting for someone to come and zap you into happy town? The person that will fix the unhappiness, the person that will make you feel loved (when you are mean as hell to yourself everyday), the person that will make everything OK - THAT person is not coming. He or she is not looking for you right now. They are not just a vibration away. They are not coming. And thank goodness for that. Because life starts when we give up the desire to be rescued. *** (if this has sparked interest for you, let me know and I'll send you an audio by Steve Chandler called "The Owner/Victim Choice". It's powerful stuff.) © 2010 Elese Coit If you wish to reprint, feel free, please link back here and if it's of use, include: "Elese Coit is a leader in transformative personal change and Hosts the Radio Show A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything. To see the world differently, reach for one of her '101 New Pairs of Glasses' each day on http://elesecoit.com" Thank you. Anyone not suffered enough yet? 04/15/2010
OK, it's time for a rant. Anyone here not had enough of their suffering and worried thinking yet? Please stand up and go make a cup of tea. Those still sitting...if you want to become clearer in thinking and expression (and you don't have an undiagnosed chemical imbalance) then the only remedy I know is a daily dose of quietness of the mind. You really don't even know what the roots of problems are (or how to solve them) until you come into better control of the thought process. Now by 'control' I really mean that you come to a place of ease and clarity in thinking. Not that you become the thought patrol. Paradoxically, though, the only way I know to create that 'ease and clarity' is to stop dabbling and get serious about some kind of daily practice. I'm not saying you can't get a quiet mind another way. But for most of us, ease will take effort. Sucks huh? Look, if there is a good chance your issues are not chemical, dietary, or medical, then there is a high chance this just might work. So what it really means if you don't do it is super simple. You really have not had enough yet (see my previous posts on this one, just below!). I bet you have already been exposed to enough great methods and enough superb advice and information by now to be able to choose something that you like and that works for you as a mind-calming practice. Choose the thing that gives you the greatest sense of peace, ease and focus and then commit, absolutely, to make it happen daily - no matter what. I mean that. Like, Everyday. That's my unsolicited (but sound) advice. So how about it? Hearing the objections in your head? Got a really good story about why that can't happen? Stop listening to it right now and pick up your phone. Getting a routine going when you're not used to it can be hard for anyone, so get a daily check in buddy who you will report to. Barring that, hire a coach. Pick someone you know is going take no excuses and is going to support you lovingly and tell you the truth. I want you to pay for their great service. Because if you do that, what you will be doing is telling you, finally, that you are serious. You'll be glad you did. But you won't know that for a while so just take my advice. Feel free to curse as much as you want, but get started anyway. Ready. Steady. Go.  Pair #10 You want fries with that stress? More on commitment and practice and just how good it feels (maybe) Radio show 2/24/10 Get Creative, Get Unstuck 2/05/10 Ultimate Psychological Freedom 1/22/10 Procrastinate No More Other Commitment and Procrastination- busters © 2010 Elese Coit If you wish to reprint, feel free, please link back here and if it's of use, include: "Elese Coit is a leader in transformative personal change and Hosts the Radio Show A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything. To see the world differently, reach for one of her '101 New Pairs of Glasses' each day on http://elesecoit.com" Thank you. Make An Excuse - Create a Victim 04/06/2010
An excuse is a thief of self-love. It steals your life away from you and robs you of your power. Why? An excuse always explains who you are being by attributing your behavior to an outside entity. It says you are this way because of something: your partner, or 'those drivers' or 'the diary that didn't have the correct meeting time' or 'stress'. When you make an excuse you are creating a victim out of you. And being a victim feels awful. Recently I had a look to see the role that excuses (and complaints) play in my life. You already know what happened if you read Pair #1. I put myself on an excuse fast, and as a result I now have 101 days of sharing ideas with you. So,if you'd like to play along, see if your little thief comes in the form of excuses, complaints or criticisms. See which one is your default setting – the place you always seem to end up. Do you have a hard time saying No, without giving an excuse? What about requests – do you make requests with or without complaints? Or excusing yourself for asking? Do you give lots of reasons for why you can't do what you told yourself you will do. How about when apologizing – ever had the yucky experience of someone trying to say they are sorry while making an excuse about why? - Bleuch. If you can see this will be a useful for you to experiment with this, here is a challenge: For today declare your life an "Excuse Free Zone" or a "Complaint Free Zone". What does that mean? You are on a total, 100% Excuse-fast. No excuses. Ever. None. Nada. Zero. Nil. Never. For the whole day Rules
Post here if you want to share about it.  Pair #2 Excuse- Free Zone Variations on the Game For those who want to play hardball, do the above for 7 days. For those who want to play hardcore, here is the Total Bootcamp version: For 7 days you declare a total Excuse Free Zone as above. However, if you break down and give an excuse for something at any time, even the smallest, teeniest one, you start over at day 1 and start counting 7 days all over again (yes, even if it is on day 7). You are not done with the game until you complete 7 fully excuse-free days. © 2010 Elese Coit If you wish to reprint, feel free, please include: "Elese Coit is a leader in transformative personal change and Hosts the Radio Show A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything. To see the world differently, reach for one of her '101 New Pairs of Glasses' each day on http://elesecoit.com" Thank you. | Read and Comment on the Original Blog Series
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