What if, for just a few minutes we actually had a conversation that was more than an exchange of 'How are you' pleasantries or weather reports?  This week I thought I'd try out actually answering the questions 'How are you?' - honestly.

I don't know what will happen, really.  Could be very bizarre.

I did it today, fact.  I stood in line at the Post Office.  It was a very long line, so you hear everyone's conversations, and one of the people working today was smiling and greeting everyone with a great booming: "How are You?"   I watched the responses.  Actually, this has become so NOT a real question, that some people answered "Yeah, will this still get there by Monday morning?"

So as I walked up to that particular person I checked inside.  How am I?  I wondered silently.

When it came my turn to be asked, I responded, "Actually, I'm very relaxed and quite content, thank you for asking."

It might be really nice to say that what happened next was this great moment of human connection.  Actually, he asked me if I had really been waiting my turn or cut the line.  I needed to wait in line he said.  Which was pretty funny, because I'd been there for 20 minutes in a very long line.  I reassured him I had waited my turn and he seemed satisfied.

Was it the 20 minutes I spend checking into how I felt that made some kind of difference? I'm thinking that maybe had something to do with the fact that by the time I arrived at the counter I was really, just relaxed.  Just: A woman standing in line.

What was interesting is not only that I felt  good, but I also felt happy with my interaction with him too.  I felt connected.  I felt connected to me and yes, to him to for a moment.  Even as he questioned my personal queuing integrity.

When he said "Have a Nice Weekend," I replied, "Well I wish that for you too."

And I meant it. 

Anyway, I thought I'd continue doing this for a few more days and see what happens.  Is anyone else interested in doing this with me?   

The last couple of days I've had a couple of conversations about how I started my radio show and what my intent and core values are around it. I stopped to consider.

I thought I might share what I found because as I wrote my six basic principles I discovered a few things:

• I have some stuff I do believe (pretty strongly, as it turns out)
• It's been very interesting to write them down and see them staring back at me
  
• writing them down gave me the chance to check and see if I really did believe them and operate out of them.
  

The radio show and most of what I do, whether it is working with people or teaching transformative coaching in Supercoach Academy, is all about the nature of change.  So these principles are really focused on how I think change comes about.  A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything implies change.  It became clear as I wrote down these things, that I have very specific ideas about what change is and where it comes from.  

Here are my ideas

1. Personal change comes from thinking differently (not from anyone else's magic)
2. People have everything inside them that they need already - there is nothing to 'get' - not love or anything else
3. Wisdom is what you hear when you clear the noise in your own mind (no one else's wisdom will do!)
4. When we clear the noise we always know what to do next
5. Teachers can share what they know, but only testing it for yourself will tell you if it's for you
6. Daily life doesn't change if we don't apply teachings in practice in our lives

I am not suggesting these ideas are true for everyone.  In fact what is interesting for me is to notice just how much I've built my radio show on these ideas and completely they are reflected there.  The website too.  

So I was wondering, would you like to share yours?  What are some of your Operating Principles that lie behind your business for example?  What about your ideas of what creates a successful relationship? 

When you have these, share them here (or with someone you love).

One of my proudest moments of late was the day I got a call from my daughter to tell me she was completely changing life direction.

"I've thought about it," she said, "and life is too short to not do what I've always wanted to do."

The decision to switch focus to Marine Biology means that school will take longer now.  She has to start over in some respects.  But there was so much passion, clarity and excitement at the decision, that I felt an immediate surge of happiness within me.

I realized that is the feeling of unconditional love for another person.  When all you want is their happiness.

It was only later that I noticed something else. Something even more significant.

As she heads further along this path, the love for what she's chosen to do has literally infected everything and not only is she enjoying the required classes, but describes them as "easy". 

And yes, we are talking about math.

Now somehow I don't think they lowered the math standards.  What's going on, I think, is that doing what you love changes the context you are working in and therefore changes your experience of whatever is in front of you.

If that's true, then it has to be true for anything.  You will experience whatever is in front of you depending on what you bring to the situation.

You can try this out by consciously deciding what you will bring to a situation. You can decide to make your next commute 'joyful' or your next laundry day 'magical' and see what happens.

When I made an LA commute 'relaxed' - I spent the drive looking for reasons to enjoy the scenery and relax.  My mind collected all the information it needed to be content with things and minimized the rest.  I just overlooked it.  Often we say we can't overlook things.  But we most certainly can.  We can decide at any moment what to make important. I find it fascinating how this works.  And the repercussions, if you really consider this, are vast.

OK, it's time for a rant.

Anyone here not had enough of their suffering and worried thinking yet? Please stand up and go make a cup of tea.

Those still sitting...if you want to become clearer in thinking and expression (and you don't have an undiagnosed chemical imbalance) then the only remedy I know is a daily dose of quietness of the mind.

You really don't even know what the roots of problems are (or how to solve them) until you come into better control of the thought process.  Now by 'control' I really mean that you come to a place of ease and clarity in thinking.  Not that you become the thought patrol.

Paradoxically, though, the only way I know to create that 'ease and clarity' is to stop dabbling and get serious about some kind of daily practice.  I'm not saying you can't get a quiet mind another way. 

But for most of us, ease will take effort.

Sucks huh?

Look, if there is a good chance your issues are not chemical, dietary, or medical, then there is a high chance this just might work.  So what it really means if you don't do it is super simple.  You really have not had enough yet (see my previous posts on this one, just below!).

I bet you have already been exposed to enough great methods and enough superb advice and information by now to be able to choose something that you like and that works for you as a mind-calming practice.  Choose the thing that gives you the greatest sense of peace, ease and focus and then commit, absolutely, to make it happen daily - no matter what.  I mean that.  Like, Everyday.

That's my unsolicited (but sound) advice.

So how about it? Hearing the objections in your head?  Got a really good story about why that can't happen? Stop listening to it right now and pick up your phone.  Getting a routine going when you're not used to it can be hard for anyone, so get a daily check in buddy who you will report to.

Barring that, hire a coach. Pick someone you know is going take no excuses and is going to support you lovingly and tell you the truth.  I want you to pay for their great service.

Because if you do that, what you will be doing is telling you, finally, that you are serious.

You'll be glad you did.  But you won't know that for a while so just take my advice.  Feel free to curse as much as you want, but get started anyway.

Ready. Steady. Go.

More on commitment and practice and just how good it feels (maybe)
Radio show
2/24/10  Get Creative, Get Unstuck 
2/05/10  Ultimate Psychological Freedom
1/22/10   Procrastinate No More
Other Commitment and Procrastination- busters

Discipline is the new dirty. We love it; we hate it and we don't need it. But let me come to that in a moment.

We associate discipline with the ways our parents forced us to do things because they “said so.”  Or we talk about it as if it were a missing gene: “I dunno what it is but I just can’t stop…” 

How many times have you argued that what you really, really need is more discipline in order to get things done?  Discipline is our special form of self-coercion exacted viciously in order that we might do, not just our chores, but the things that we say we want to do.

This is curious. 

And totally wrong.

Why would you need to force yourself to do something that you say you want to do?   (Or force yourself not to?)

Well, you don't.

Recently I heard someone say “I really want to exercise, but I just don’t have time,” so I asked them to take the word “exercise” and substitute it with “pick up the kids from school.”   (Then I practically had to duck and cover, but that’s another story).

The truth is, we will do what we care about and what we commit to, and we don’t need discipline to do it.  We will simply find the time.  Somehow.

How do we do that?

I notice that did not just pick up my daughter from school because I had previously given myself a very nasty dressing down and then swore I would not reward myself if I didn't do it.  I arranged life to get there.

I did it because it mattered to me.

If you are not doing something (especially when you say that you are committed to it) it is because somewhere inside you have not decided that it matters enough. Making something matter is a decision. I had to decide that it mattered to me to write these articles. On a Sunday night, ready for sleep, I may have to remind myself why it matters.

And I need a deeper reason than hating myself if I don’t.

Next time you want to do something, try NOT punishing yourself into it.  Try finding one positive thing about what you say you want to do that connects you deeply with why it matters to you.  (In other words, you do not get to use: “He won’t speak to me if I don’t,” or “I’ll hate my body forever”)

If you can’t find a positive why for you, then you will never be able to disapprove of yourself enough to force yourself to do it.  Not in the long run.

Recently I was responding to a forum post from someone waiting to be in "the best place possible" before they got started with a project that was important to them.  It made me think...

... timing and readiness are important, but I also think there is a difference between being in the best place we can be and being in the perfect place - as we embrace new challenges.  

To be in the best place in me means actually caring for myself well (doing something called 'self care') and showing up fully present.  In other words, more aware of what is going on right now in front of me and more focused right here in this minute than either in the past or in the future.  When I am present I not only know what to do, but also what not to do and what I am ready and not ready for.  

When I am waiting to be in the perfect place, well, that's it isn't it? I'm waiting.  I generally feel I'm not up to the tasks in front of me. That they are simply too big, and I am simply too small.  I think I have to be something I'm not in order to live my life.  I forget that clearly I am enough to live my life perfectly well.  The proof of that is I'm here.

The moment I start wobbling around thinking there is something I need to fix or some ‘better place’ I’ll arrive at one day: be it a place of greater understanding, a place of less ego, or a place of less stress then I try to get ready for that big fixing task.  Sometimes that takes a whole lifetime.  (Know anyone who's been 'getting ready' for a lifetime?)
 
While I believe it is good to do things when we are ready, what I notice is we also find lots of ways to tell ourselves - we are not ready yet.

Today I’m reflecting on just how much our ‘not ready yet’ can cost us.  And perhaps, the world.

When did it get so difficult to be the learner?

It seems like never before have so many people been so uncomfortable with their own not knowing.

Yet when I look at my life, there isn’t one single thing that I’ve learned that I could do perfectly the first time I tried it. None:

• Not driving
• Not writing my own name
• Not speaking French
• Not even walking

If you’ve ever said “I should have done better…” chances are you too have a little perfectionist living inside too who thinks it's possible to get a better past through rumination and regret.  My perfectionist bully arrived when I was about 7.  My first grade teacher, Mrs Wolf had a very gnarly hand with red nails and it would swoop onto my paper as I was writing and point to the single mistake on the page.  I swear I had nightmares about her right index finger pointing the way to my certain death.  I was terrorized. 

I continued her practice by terrorizing myself, in turn, believing that the way to approval was through the eye of the needle of perfect performance.

So, are we supposed to learn by, erm, already knowing?

Just walk around to notice the number of children currently being educated in perfectionism.  Why do you think so many teens commit suicide?  They aren’t supposed to be in school to learn it seems, only to prove how much the already know.  Kids do more tests, earlier, every year.  Standing with your hand on the handle of the door marked Failure is terrifying to contemplate and future creative lifetimes are being tossed into the waste bin right now to avoiding having to open it. 

What happened to not-knowing, when failure was considered a required class for success?

I was under the impression that mistakes are not a synonym for wasted life, but for ‘learning’.   Someone put the wrong sign up on that door. It should say "Step through this door and experiment all ye who enter here."

Now that we are big and not terrorized by Mrs. Wolf’s index finger, the door marked 'Failure' shouldn't seem so scary and shameful.  But it does. 

Eldon Taylor, who guests on my show on Friday, April 16th,  has written powerfully about the "form of conditioning that can set us up for disappointment and failure... the one that teaches us we should have an answer (I've reprinted his great thoughts on my Facebook Fan Page in Notes). 

Let’s take a dare together today. What if, just for today, we didn't try to be perfect.  I OK, this is going to sound crazy, but you really cannot know what you don't know.  

After all, what’s the worse that can happen?  I can write my name, speak French, drive and walk. So worse case – you learn something. 

The 7.2 Baja earthquake shook the house (and all of Southern California) and with lamps still swinging, moments later, I sat with my mother and best friend at Easter dinner. 

Nothing like an earthquake to bring you right back to earth with ... an instant refocus of priorities.

I'm not one to normally say grace at table, but as I looked as both these people I so dearly love, all I could think was "I'm so glad you are here."

My new friend Anne, at Germane Consulting talked today about a woman who had found her abilities as a leader after a near death experience and tweeted "Should we recommend near death as a development experience?"

In the course of doing transformative work with people I've invited them to try a few things, but never that.  Maybe we should, though.  There is nothing quite like imminent death to whiplash us back to our senses.  All at once we are open to a really big question like "If I die right now, can I say I've lived as I wanted to?" or "I wish I had..."  Suddenly unfinished business and procrastinated "I love yous" loom large.  At the same time, all those squirmy ways we hid and ran away in order to avoid saying something that needed to be said like "I'm sorry" seem ridiculous.

It is a great leveler. (not sure if pun is or isn't intended there, it just came out).

Yet, benefits aside, I  don't think I'll be suggesting a brush with death as a way to become intimate with what's important to you. 

So, um,  any baggage you'd like to ditch before The BIg One?